Changing my mind

 I have recently become some kind of expert at changing my mind. This is HUGE, by the way. If you didn't know, I consider myself to be an Adult Child of Alcoholism & Family Dysfunction. ACA has been a really big part of my inner life since just before Covid and is largely responsible for helping me achieve whatever level of emotional sobriety I am currently enjoying. I love to tell people who are interested all about it, so feel free to ask.

So, back to changing my mind. Part of my childhood was learning black-and-white thinking, and catastrophizing and being just generally afraid of life, so best coping skills were denial of emotions and sticking to decisions like life-rafts even if they weren't working out so well. Not really the best way to go through life, not if you want to actually enjoy much anyway!

1) I have added a new food group to my life, called hand cream. Part of my treatment is lots of steroids and it has made my skin altogether different so now I slather my hands with ceramide cream every single chance I get. Old way of thinking was to not waste the stuff  and just use "enough" and not get it all over clothes which would necessitate extra laundry which is not good...you get the drift. I have changed my mind about this. I'm going to use lots of the stuff and not really worry if I get a little on my toothbrush or a bit ends up on my sleeve or gathers in a drop of water that rolls down my hand into my drinking water.

2) I don't want to go to sleep right now. Old way of thinking would insist that I keep trying to sleep because everybody needs eight hours (I certainly function BEST that way!) and not sleeping brings on a host of health issues and... you get the drift. I have changed my mind about this. For now (because I can change my mind again about this later), I just don't wanna go to sleep. I'm not trying to actively avoid sleep, but I am not going to chase it around. I am EXCEPTIONALLY privileged to be able to keep my job and have flexible bosses. I also live alone so I don't even need to worry about disturbing a partner with my odd hours. Heck, there's a little girl running around upstairs at all hours by herself (even as I type) to sort-of keep me company.

3) I hate the sunshine. I know we are supposed to practically worship summer and healthy tans and beaches and bright sunny days in the mid-winter... I hate sunshine. This is not actually something I have changed my mind about, but I have changed my mind about keeping it to myself. I detest driving on certain days where it seems the flipping sun is always shining across my shoulder, making it hard to see and heating up the dang car, and glaring off everything. Hot, sticky, sweaty sunshine that you just can't get away from without paying a fortune for air conditioning (see the privilege here too!). I hate people who "love summer" but jump from air conditioned workplaces to air conditioned SUVs to air conditioned restaurants to air conditioned homes. -----I love when the sun is just a soft glow on the horizon, or later when the sky is black and that moon is so bright you can easily see your path. The soft moonlight through trees with stars too numerous to count. Whirling figures sketched across the night sky by lonely travelers with amazing names and stories passed down through the centuries to dance in the velvety darkness above you. THAT's a sky I can love.

4) Food. I have changed my mind about Velveeta. I think the steroids have helped calm down inflammation in my gut, so I have been experimenting a little about food. I am now trying to really listen to what I am craving and see if I can make sense of the underlying reason for a craving. There is a very real danger of salt cravings with steroids and I am totally getting that, but I keep trying to redirect that towards what I think is the root cause --- dehydration. Another interesting childhood dynamic was learning that my bathroom needs were not welcome, so from the beginning I was taught to minimize that stuff by avoiding drinking. That behavior was also modelled by my parents (Dad had migraines his whole adult life --- connection there???) so it wasn't like they were doing anything TO me that they weren't doing to themselves. I have changed my mind about drinking water, but making this decision happen in real life every day after every day has been a stupid, unnecessarily hard climb upwards, let me tell you.  I actually have a list of "one thing" to think about each day just because I'm that kind of nerd. Mondays, the only real standard I have is to try to hydrate as best I can. It has been a decently effective plan because I actually drink more water on average than ever before. And some days I have to really work hard to remember that idea because sometimes it just seems so silly to that dumb voice in my head who is so fear-based that everything is a potential danger, especially CHANGE!

Without You

You are the sun, I am the moon.  Without you, I am a cold, dark stone.

I''m thinking about moving to Mongolia to teach English.  Boy, I sure could use some direction here.  The task of getting my debt cleared up seems impossible TO ME.  (The Lord is my shepherd!)  Steppes and Gobi and Mongols... oh my.

Horses.

People who need to see The Light.

I don't have any light of my own, I think I finally get that.  But I know for sure that there is Light in me and I would love to live where it can shine in some dark corners.  I CAN DO THAT!  I also can teach English.  I prefer the idea of doing something "during the day" anyway.

Horses.

Please.

Personal Mission Statement

I found an interesting article here.  I've been scattered in my thoughts and efforts lately, and this is helping me figure out what I really think I should be focused on, with God's help. There are several other interesting articles on the site, although I haven't poked around too much!

Ponded or Flowing

I was pleasantly surprised by something I heard on the radio (for a change).  Instead of hearing English mangled and misused, I heard a great word-phrase, really.  They were talking with a specialist about what sort of effects we might expect from the bad weather we are expecting.  He said that people should be careful driving, especially on routes they know can flood, because "ponded or flowing" water can obscure the road surface.  Very well spoken!  (Spell-check doesn't like the word ponded, but I do!)

How About a Little More Nice Girl?

(I get to give this a clever title because I can go back later and edit myself)

This morning I decided to go to McDonald's for breakfast because I was heading to a new church and running a bit behind schedule, so I hit the drive thru at 9:50.  Much later than usual for Sunday morning for me (usually about 7:20) and probably because of Father's Day there was a really big line.  I debated leaving, but didn't want a blood sugar low to interfere with my first visit to a new church.  Ordered my one item.  Pulled forward a bit and heard the girl behind me order an Egg McMuffin with no egg and extra (something I couldn't hear).  Next I heard the guy in the other lane ordering some long list of things.  Alone, in a work truck.  I was glad I didn't have to work on Sunday and also glad I wasn't behind him.  He pulled forward and clearly wanted to edge in front of me.  I pulled up a but, and he said"Aren't we supposed to take turns?"  I replied "My order was ahead of yours."  He then said "If YOU think so."  So I looked behind me and backed up so he could go ahead if me, which he did with a lurch.  A few moments later (I was fully stopped), the girl behind me beeped.  I leaned out and said "I'm having trouble with the guy ahead of me."  She then said "You almost f#&king nailed me!"  Twice.  I waited until the guy in front of me pulled forward, which he did with a smirk, then I left.  Stomach clenched, tears in my eyes.

I'm still having trouble understanding God's lesson in this for me.  I knew that guy wanted to go first, so I guess I should have let him from the first.  I did pray very hard that God would have the cashier ask him if he had ordered the single chorizo burrito.  I don't want to just be right, I want him to know it too.

I am pretty good at standing up for myself and being a little pushy when I am sure I am right.  Maybe the lesson for me is to accept my rightness in solitude and show the world more grace.  We've been taught that we shouldn't all be "nice girls" in the church, but maybe the pendulum has swung a little too far the other way?  Maybe I need to work on my nice girl attitude a bit more?

Sin

God loves every one of us.

Every time I treat someone else as "less" than me, God hates that because He loves ALL of us.  He calls that sin.

Human Soup

I was recently reading a blog post by an artist I follow.  He was saying that each of us is made up of the various things we have seen/heard/read/etc.  We're a sort of soup of each of these things.  Some of them stay nearly whole and others dissolve into the background, each adding their own flavor that makes up the unique "me".

I also had a friend on Facebook ask if we should allow ourselves to watch violent television shows.  He is a fan of the Fire and Ice books, but was contemplating watching any more of the television version since there is apparently a LOT of violence, especially towards women in the HBO show; more than the books, apparently (I'm not familiar with either).

I think those two ideas are very closely linked.  What flavors do you want in your "me" soup?  What do you want others to "taste" in you?

China? Really??

Yes, I found China far less daunting than I expected.  I'm even VERY seriously considering moving there.  They need English teachers and I can do that, with a little training first.  I am going to talk with a rep from an agency (of sorts) about whether I'm being realistic.  I'm 51 years old already, and I have some personal debt.  But while I don't have a degree in teaching, I do have a somewhat recent master's degree (MBA)

On the other hand, I have ideas for getting the women I know together to support one another and I can't do that from China.  Plus the music ministry Carole and I already have to the folks at the Convalescent Center.

I'll let God decide :-)

Fun?

I just looked up the definition of the word "fun" because people keep suggesting that my upcoming trip to China will be fun.

I'm correct.  Fun is not the right word.  Interesting. Enjoyable. Worthwhile. Intriguing. Stretching. Mind-expanding. Not really fun, although I certainly hope for many fun moments along the way.  Just sayin.

Desert island musicians

Yes, I should be working with my whole brain, but I've been really enjoying Spotify and I came up with the three musicians I would want access to if I were on a desert island.  Or if I got to pick who would accompany me in space.
#1 - Fernando Ortega
#2 - Harry Connick Jr
#3 - Brad Paisley
If there was room for one more I'd probably pick Sara Groves. 

Or Craig Morgan.  It'd be handy to have a hunter along.

Have you ever been afraid?

I have not been very "in touch" with my emotions.  For how long?  Maybe ever?  Maybe I'm a sociopath.  Isn't that what they label someone who has no emotions-no, wait, that's someone who doesn't care about other people or their emotions.  And Asberger's is when a person can't read others' emotions.  Stoic?   Frozen? Confused?  Dispassionate?  Sublimated?  Well, whatever the name, that's me.  I seem fearless most of the time,  and then I realize that's mostly because I don't take very many risks.  Certainly not any big risks, the ones with possibly big rewards.  Which is kinda silly.  Fear is a pretty stupid way to live your life, my head tells me.  You certainly need to exercise due caution and make intelligent choices, but fear sneaks in and colors the scene until everything seems so unreasonably risky.  And so I choose inaction all too often.  Almost every time.  Until I get super fed up with myself and let loose on a dumb choice just to prove I can.  Makes me tired :-)

Where to begin

I had thought it would be rather easy to find a good, reliable, in-depth, self-paced Bible study on the internet.
Still looking...
I did find an interesting weekly devotional called Prayer's Apprentice by Timothy Jones, former editor of Christianity Today (it's a small world after all...  it's a small world after all...)

Where not to begin?

This really is turning out to be more difficult than I thought.  I tried some of the big schools and it looks like only Moody has any "personal enrichment" classes... at 49.00 per class, that might be a last resort.  I also can't tell much about the classes themselves-it seems like they send you something for your money, which would be fine, but I expected a better explanation of what I might be buying.
There are all sorts of Bible studies on line.  I have to know something about the source/writer(s) before I'll plunge into anything.  I'm also looking for something that is not geared for seekers nor for graduate-level theologians.  So far nothing has fit the bill.  Almost everything seems to be geared to the absolute novice and I'm pretty far from that now.
Well, the search continues.
My good friend just gave me a daily devotional Discovering Jesus in the Old Testament by Nancy Guthrie.  So far-quite good.  We've been walking through the One Year Book of Psalms (another daily devotional) and that has been very interesting.  I never really looked at Psalm 119 before.  I've been thinking about looking for a print book about that Psalm since there doesn't seem to be anything much online about it.

Midlife crisis

Woo boy.  Although "crisis" seems a little melodramatic to me.  And "midlife" suggests I will live to be 100.  Not impossible but the odds are against me.
Who do I want to be?  Who am I really, inside?  How much am I not being authentic?  The world is my oyster and I don't know what the pearl looks like, for me.  I've just lived my life, not really steering the ship.  I know now that God is in real control of my life, but he isn't into telling me what to do.  James MacDonald says that God gives us each the really big box of crayons (choices in life) and does not sit there waiting for us to pick the one right crayon to use.  He gives us the whole box so that we can use them in any way we see fit (free will) and often delights in the various ways we take off.  We are made in His image and he is creative and imaginative and inventive and rule-bending (in all ways but one-SIN).  He created sunsets and dodo birds and jellyfish and dogs and pine trees and protozoa and Mars and...
So.  Let's start really basic.  Am I visual, aural, active, what?  Would I rather see something, hear something, smell something, taste something or do something?
Its a little like Gary Chapman's five love languages.  I've pondered that list many times and it just seems like I don't really have a strong preference.
What makes me happy?  Practically nothing, to tell the truth.  That's where the title comes in!  So what gives me joy?  I love routine and I like surprises (mostly).  I look forward all week to my Saturday morning routine.  Different in detail every week but similar.  I don't know if that's a red herring, though, because of the whole title thing again and maybe I just have such a pathetic life that even the farmer's market, Salvation Army and Hobby Lobby are just barely above such a low plateau!  Kidding-I think...

We aren't all pretty Christians

Tonight I really resonate with Maggie the Cat.  "I feel like a cat on a hot tin roof!...."  "Well, just jump off."  "Where? Into what?"
Maggie knew that where she was at was not good, but Fear kept her (and everyone around her) from facing the truth and then being able to move beyond.   I get afraid of the unknown too.  If I let myself just feel, I feel anxious and afraid by nature.  Or by nurture, really.  Enough bad stuff happens when you're looking for it and you wind up convinced that life sucks.  That's why we have intellect, though, I think.  To think things through and to reason our way off that "hot tin roof".  Take a chance on trusting something and see if that one thing doesn't pan out.  I took a chance on trusting God and I haven't been let down by him yet.  Other people-other Christians-sure!, but not God.  I slide into feeling scared every so often, but as soon as I correct my focus back on him and his promises and his guidance (via the Bible), I soon find myself back on a secure path, humming a tune as I stride toward the future.

Hey! I get it!

Words cut, actions harm, but silence kills.

Plenty of fish

So, is this a good time to start dating?  Is this a horrible time to start?  I know God is in control and will make all things work for my good, but I'd sure like to avoid wasting a bunch of time and energy both for me and any potential dates.  And lies and heartache and...and...
Dan says I shouldn't think too much. I suppose he meant that in this particular context, but I'm sure it works as a blanket statement of sound advice for me!

Society

I like people, but mostly from afar.  I'm sitting at a restaurant, listening to the people around me. The guy telling a pretty unbelievable story about some woman. The two social types catching each other up over brunch. The mom and grandma with sunglasses, helping the toddler negotiate the walk, also in sunglasses. The woman dressed like a hippy getting dropped off at the restaurant next door---dress-up costume or everyday costume?

Time

Time is the comforting blanket that cloaks all our days, and the rug that we are constantly pulling out from under ourselves.
Nancy Peacock

Kurt Vonnegut on writing fiction

1. Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.

2. Give the reader at least one character he or she can root for.

3. Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water.

4. Every sentence must do one of two things -- reveal character or advance the action.

5. Start as close to the end as possible.

6. Be a sadist. Now matter how sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them -- in order that the reader may see what they are made of.

7. Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.

8. Give your readers as much information as possible as soon as possible. To heck with suspense. Readers should have such complete understanding of what is going on, where and why, that they could finish the story themselves, should cockroaches eat the last few pages.