Karma

I just a Facebook post with a video of a driving incident.  Titled Karma, it was obviously taped by the driver of a car who was being harassed by the young man driving a pickup truck.  The pickup driver eventually made his way to the right side of the car, leaning out the window and flipping the bird to the person filming his actions.  He then speeds off, swerves, loses a hubcap, eventually losing control and spinning around in the grassy area to the left of oncoming traffic.  No one appeared to have been hurt.  The video ends abruptly, so it is hard to be sure, but it seems that oncoming traffic was not involved.  The truck ended up in a ditch, back bed-cover up, looking like there was considerable under-body damage.

The video was posted because it was supposed to be funny.

It made me nauseous.  It made me want to stay off the roads.  It made me sad to be a human.

Every day I make a 9-mile journey to work along a road where every driver thinks they are Mario Andretti.  Heaven forbid a driver drive at only the speed limit; they will be honked at and flipped off and given grief at every opportunity by the other drivers.

I try to remember if things were this pressured when I was younger.  Did older drivers really have no chance out on the larger roads?  Was it so common to treat other people like paper dolls?   Ok, nevermind "the good old days" - they weren't so good, or so another FB post tells us...  Why do we treat one another so badly?  And I'm not just upset by the pickup driver either.  Why was the car's driver filming this?  Was his/her driving so above reproach?  Why was he/she in the left lane if not passing another car?  Why is it funny to see someone act like a jerk and "get what's coming to him"?  We all pay for his mistake with higher insurance rates.  We all pay when accidents cause destruction.  Is the pickup driver's humiliation a lesson for anybody at all?  Do you think he really learned anything?  Or will he hit the road next time ever more angered by the video on his mind.  Will the car's driver be "on the lookout" for more aggressive drivers in order to get another "viral hit"?  Will other people try to encourage similar actions so that they can get their moments of fame as well?

We need to pull the internet out of the mire and quicksand of bad ideas, poor choices and mean-spirited commentary.  Everyone needs to drag social media towards the light, not further away.

The Painted (Young) Man

My son got two more tattoos the night before last, bringing him up to three.  He wants to get full sleeves, or at least one sleeve.  He assures me he wants to get many, many more.

I can't tell you how sad this makes me.  I don't love all the tattoos people are getting these days.  Even highly paid fashion models have them.  Sports stars, movie stars.  Piercings, holes, gauges, scars, tattoos.

I think they are cries for help.  I think they are little signs that a person doesn't feel appreciated, and wants to feel special and somehow can only feel that way by permanently painting special-ness on themselves.  It makes me especially sad that my son just doesn't see how pathetic they make him look.  How very alike all the other tattooed people in the country.  It's like those kids who all wear black eye makeup and black nail polish and black clothes with a thousand safety pins in them, and work so very hard to look different, but just like all the other kids who wear the same "Different" uniform.

Worth

I wish I had something valuable to say.  I enjoy reading other people's writing/blogging, but when I see my own, I sort-of cringe inwardly.  I feel empty, with no creation or imagination within to draw out and give life to.  Vanity of vanities-all is vanity.

Hello out there...?

I clearly don't take this blogging thing too seriously.  I had intentions of blogging daily or almost daily and creating things and posting about them...  Now it has been HOW LONG? since I posted anything at all.

Here's a little update.  I quit my job of 14+ years and have started at a new place at a new pace.  Weird is the word for me right now.  Everything is just so weird.  I knew it would be a change and it certainly is.  I'm not freaked out, thanks to God's good grace, and I am trying to pace myself.  Part of the reason I left the old job was the pace of things.  I was being pulled apart and at the same time was turning into a big stress ball.  Not a good combination, I assure you!  I hated hearing the phone ring because it was almost inevitably my boss calling to harangue me about some minor point on some minor report that only she was ever going to really read.  I could understand her position and I didn't envy it, but it still made my life a little more miserable.  So I hunted around and found a job at a similarly-sized company that is NOT owned by a hugemongous corporation.  Much better atmosphere.  Except.

I'm having trouble adjusting.  Or more to the point, I'm having trouble allowing myself time to get adjusted.  Things are just slower here.  I'm no longer being pulled in four directions with endless amounts of tasks that take more than a regular work week to make a sizable dent.  I wanted a slower pace but now that I've got, I find it's hard to adjust.  I have had a certain level of anxiety built into my workday from the last few years that is just going to take a while to wear off.  I feel like a pound puppy.  I'm NOT suggesting I was abused at my last job, but I'm just a little worse for wear, like those dogs who've been in cages, feeding off one-another's anxiety for just long enough that they are anxious themselves.  I'd like to somehow speed up the process of relaxing into this new job.  Any suggestions???  How does one force themselves to relax?  Without making a mess of the new job?

Tomorrow (and tomorrow and...)

Just when I thought I was getting a little ahead of anxiety, a night like this comes along and bites me you-know-where.  I got out of work at a decent hour and went to the grocery store on the way home to get some things to make into dessert for the regular Thursday night dinner.  Got home and took the dog for a semi-long walk in the warm spring evening.  Ate dinner and then felt ookie, so I laid down and took a twenty-minute nap.  Woke up when the phone rang and felt funny.  Ten-thirty now and I'm filled with anxiety about tomorrow.  They are letting a few people go.  I'm not privy to anything tangible, but they've been hinting about this for months and the clues are pretty strong that my work environment is going to change again tomorrow.  I've lived through this sort of thing before, but I have no confidence in this new management team and so my anxiety level is through the roof.  No good reason, really, just the general anxiety that comes from not knowing the future. And my usual sin of not trusting the Lord of the Universe.
Well, that is a little harsh.  I've got a lot of involuntary change in my life and it is really difficult to deal with it all, at the same time, as perfectly as I expect myself to.  The changes at work are deeper than just some co-workers being fired.  My job will be to make sure things run just as smoothly with three people as it did with five.  HAH!!!

Bad news and bad news

Fertilizer plant explodes, flooding in DuPage county, ricin suspect arrested, the bombs at the Boston Marathon.  Shall I list the famous people who have died in the last week or so?
I am riddled with fear and anxiety.  Help me, Lord.

Poof

I've been dabbling with the site Plenty of Fish.  Unlike Christian Mingle, it is actually free.  It is also just plain disheartening.  Picky guys all looking for something just a little better than me.  Or less religious.  Or prettier.  Or looser morals... or... or...
Disheartening.  Discouraging.  Depressing even?  I think I'm done dabbling.  If I was truly serious about finding someone, I'm sure it could work.  But I guess I don't really want a relationship because it still sounds like too dang much work and not really worth the effort.  All the drama and rigamarole and for what?  What do you get when you fall in love?  You only get lies and pain and sorrow.  So for at least until tomorrow, I'll never fall in love again.  I'm never gonna fall in love again.  (Child of the 70's, what can I say!  Thank you, dionne warwick for those words). From the musical Promises, Promises which was based on the play The Apartment which was a much better piece of work.

Where has my imagination gone?

Maybe that's my problem.  I've been spoon-fed plots via TV for so long that I don't have real imagination of my own left anymore.  Or am I just too old?  Parented so long that my imagination just dribbled away to nothingness?  Bored?  Distracted?  Dumb?  Unimaginative to begin with?  Scared?  Tired?  Weary?

Take this job and...

It is difficult to describe just how messed up things are at my place of employment.  There has been a sort of re-organization at the higher level, due to the urgings of "The Street", so you know that the reasons for said re-org are well-reasoned and insightful.  This was announced via The Wall Street Journal about a year or more ago.  There has been VERY little internal communication about this change.  The sense amongst us underlings is that they really don't know what they're doing, so they don't tell us anything so that they can't be held responsible for the mess that might ensue.  And a mess is certainly ensuing.  Every single employee who pays any attention to what is going on around them is deeply concerned.  There are no real decisions being made, only semi-silly fluffy decisions that make it look like things are happening, but with no tangible result.  The underlying issue is that my little piece of the big company has been so poorly managed for the last few years, that we are in desperate need of some good, strong leadership with vision to give us some sense of direction.  Instead we are drifting even more purposelessly than before.  Makes for an incredibly frustrating work environment.  Even the strong people, who have been there forever, are starting to get that look in their eyes.  That beaten-down, how-much-more-can-I-take look.  Makes me want to cry.  Or throw up.  Or throw in the towel.  Hard to decide...

Plenty of fish

So, is this a good time to start dating?  Is this a horrible time to start?  I know God is in control and will make all things work for my good, but I'd sure like to avoid wasting a bunch of time and energy both for me and any potential dates.  And lies and heartache and...and...
Dan says I shouldn't think too much. I suppose he meant that in this particular context, but I'm sure it works as a blanket statement of sound advice for me!

Shredded

So is it God shredding me, or is it life?  I guess either way, He is allowing it, so there must be some good reason, some good purpose, some outcome that is in my best interest.  Then there's that pesky free will thing, where I can take it away from Him and turn it to any kind of s#*t I want.  But don't I have to willfully chose to disconnect from Him?  If I am just struggling with my life, struggling with my sin and trying to do right, doesn't that count?  Even if I fail, doesn't it count that I wasn't trying to go on my own, that I was trying to resist?  I guess that fact that I still struggle is a sign that I am still God's, because if not, I would have been happy to be free of the contstraint of the moral code and would be happily...sinning my heart out.

I really can't get past the idea the God is only truly glorified by men (and women) that are fully alive.  I think we tend to sedate ourselves into behaving carefully and avoiding the harder conflicts that arise from being fully engaged in the world.  I know I have been.  I was sequestered while raising my son.  Kept life at bay.  Now?  It seems that all hell has broken loose in my life, and I mean that pretty literally.

I feel a lot like the skin under your fingernails when you cut the nail too short.  Everything "feels" more, everything is amped up.  Pain is more painful and, well, I was gonna say that joy is more joyful, but I can't speak to that just now.  Pain is the overwhelming emotion I'm having right now.  Anguish even?  A dear sister's daughter just had a bad car accident and I am in pain because I hadn't kept close to my friend for the past few months.  I am tempted and keep giving in to it in little ways and it is anguish inside my body.  Pastor speaks, hymns are sung, and I am in pain because of my failures!

Update on the dog I did not adopt

It was a very difficult decision, but I decided not to adopt the Boxer.  Her one personality fault is stubbornness.  She is quite easy-going, but stores up that stubbornness for when she really needs it.  And she saved it for getting to spend the day in my living room.  Which I can totally understand; I like to spend time here myself.  However, after vising two vets in one day last week, she was found to be in false heat.  Not as uncommon as you might think.  The vet who SPAYED her said that internally she had been very swollen and quite a mess.  It would be no surprise for him to have left a small amount of ovarian material.  And this was likely causing her to go into heat.  They leave a small amount of uterus on the back side of the cervix to cover the space over, and this small amount of cervix can react to the small amount of ovary and, boom, she's in heat.  The thing is, she could be in heat for a day, a week, several weeks, or even months.  She was scared to go outside, probably because of this, and coupled with her insistence on staying in the living room meant that I was cleaning blood from everywhere!  Carpet, chair, couch, floor, bed, car seats, pillows, you name it.  That, in addition to her other issues meant that it was just more than I could handle.  I found out early Saturday morning just how heavy a 54-lb dog really is when she didn't want to go outside to go potty.  I'm not surprised that her neck is completely raw from people trying to yank her into submission.   At least I was able to provide her with a quiet place for a few days and a nice, bright pink halter instead of a neck collar.  (And a squeaky, un-stuffed chicken that she loved to carry around the house.) 

The island of misfit toys

I think I had been playing the role of mom for so long that I forgot I was a person, a woman, and forgot that I'm really just another broken toy.

The glory of God is man fully alive

Here I am, still in the furnace.  I have not gotten better and that's all I ever focus on.  I forget that I did not get worse.  Sometimes that is all I can expect.
Grace is God drawing us sinners closer and closer to himself.  So instead of shielding us from assault by the world, the flesh and the devil, he exposes us to these things so as to overwhelm us with a sense of our own inadequacy, and to drive us to cling to him more closely. (from J.I.Packer)
He will not give us more than we can bear 1Cor10:13 but equally not less Acts14:22   Additionally, the bible is full of stories of failures who get turned around and go on to glorify God.

Breaks my heart

So as we were finishing up at the 72-hour meeting with the recruiter, my son asked a question.  He told Sgt that he really wants a dog and would get one as soon as AIT was over, but if he got deployed, what would happen to the dog. Sgt and I sort of looked at each other and I quipped that I'd have myself a new dog.
IT BREAKS MY HEART every time I think about what he said.  Mostly because it was such an innocent question.  It breaks my heart to think that my son is so unprepared for how hard and ridiculously painful life is going to be sometimes.  I just want to drag him home amd lock him up and keep him safe and sound.  I don't want him to have to find things out the hard way like I did.  I don't want him to realize things afterwards. I don't want him to get his heart broken. I don't want his trust to be misplaced. I don't want him to despair. I want him to finish strong and upright, not get twisted and have to find ways to cope.
Father, I know you love him even more than me.  Take better care of him than I could.  Help me feel that way

God Bless Us

In just a few hours, I will be in the choir loft, hoping to reach someone with the gospel through our performance.  It will be beautiful.  I just added two posts for two of my favorite pieces that we will do tonight.  We have an exquisite baritone lined up to solo the first verse of The Dream Isaiah Saw.  I will break the unwritten rule of the tenor section by crying (as always!  Makes me think of Tom Hanks' character in A League of Their Own "There's no crying in baseball!"  That's what they get for letting an aging woman sing a man's part.)  You can read about our last performance here from the pastor's point of view.

Meanwhile, my son recently informed me that he isn't really a Christian.  I handled it well.  No bursting into tears, no repercussions.  I can understand - I haven't been a Christian all that long myself.  But now my ardent desire for the Second Coming is tempered by that knowledge.  My son won't go with me tonight.  I'm crying right now a little just thinking about it.  The performance would be just a bunch of pretty songs to him.  With an annoying message in the middle.  While I was looking through the clips on You Tube for Jesus Christ the Apple Tree, there were some maybe better performances there, but they were sung by little kids.  Beautifully, but I struggle to imagine that any of them felt the meaning behind "I'm weary with my former toil"  or "And pleasure dearly I have bought"

This fruit does make my soul to thrive, it keeps my dying faith alive, which makes my soul in haste to be with Jesus Christ the apple tree.

It's been a while

But, since no one actually reads this, I guess no apology is in order.  I started paying attention to the blog's Stats, and that was dumb.  I mean, I'm not in this for anything other than personal satisfaction - note that I have not "monetized" the blog with any ads.  So why get hung up on what I post?  {Other than the fact that I can be pretty competitive!}


I've sort of lost my way lately.  Actually, to be clear, I've recently realized how lost I've been.  Wandering around in the dark, seeing lights off in different directions, unsure of which way to go.  Seemed safer to simply stay where I already was, even though it wasn't any less dark...  Enough of the illustration.  Time to really start living my life the way God intended.  What does that mean?  I'm not certain, but I know I haven't been looking in the right place.  (The Bible, that is)

Frustration

It seems as if life has reached an all-time peak level of frustration for me , as well as those around me.  And I don't think it's simply a matter of getting older and more curmudgeon-y, either.  Our newly re-habbed phone system has apparently got some loose wires and the phones intermittently work/not work/work/not work.  I can't seem to get straight answers out of people without going through a lot of effort to explain to them the sorts of things that I think they should already know.  No one seems to want to do anything beyond what they themselves see as their "job".  When I do something to make someone else's job easier, they take the effort for granted and somehow assume that any follow-up work is also my responsibility too.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  Isaiah 41:10

I always want to push on ahead in my own strength.  If I can't see the path before me I get frustrated and start casting around for a better/different/self-sufficient light source.  I take things personally and seek glory for myself, when I really need to let go of the frustration and do well those things I know I can, try to do those things I am responsible for and let the rest go.  God made me who I am and I should trust that He has equipped me as He knows I need to be equipped.