Changing my mind

 I have recently become some kind of expert at changing my mind. This is HUGE, by the way. If you didn't know, I consider myself to be an Adult Child of Alcoholism & Family Dysfunction. ACA has been a really big part of my inner life since just before Covid and is largely responsible for helping me achieve whatever level of emotional sobriety I am currently enjoying. I love to tell people who are interested all about it, so feel free to ask.

So, back to changing my mind. Part of my childhood was learning black-and-white thinking, and catastrophizing and being just generally afraid of life, so best coping skills were denial of emotions and sticking to decisions like life-rafts even if they weren't working out so well. Not really the best way to go through life, not if you want to actually enjoy much anyway!

1) I have added a new food group to my life, called hand cream. Part of my treatment is lots of steroids and it has made my skin altogether different so now I slather my hands with ceramide cream every single chance I get. Old way of thinking was to not waste the stuff  and just use "enough" and not get it all over clothes which would necessitate extra laundry which is not good...you get the drift. I have changed my mind about this. I'm going to use lots of the stuff and not really worry if I get a little on my toothbrush or a bit ends up on my sleeve or gathers in a drop of water that rolls down my hand into my drinking water.

2) I don't want to go to sleep right now. Old way of thinking would insist that I keep trying to sleep because everybody needs eight hours (I certainly function BEST that way!) and not sleeping brings on a host of health issues and... you get the drift. I have changed my mind about this. For now (because I can change my mind again about this later), I just don't wanna go to sleep. I'm not trying to actively avoid sleep, but I am not going to chase it around. I am EXCEPTIONALLY privileged to be able to keep my job and have flexible bosses. I also live alone so I don't even need to worry about disturbing a partner with my odd hours. Heck, there's a little girl running around upstairs at all hours by herself (even as I type) to sort-of keep me company.

3) I hate the sunshine. I know we are supposed to practically worship summer and healthy tans and beaches and bright sunny days in the mid-winter... I hate sunshine. This is not actually something I have changed my mind about, but I have changed my mind about keeping it to myself. I detest driving on certain days where it seems the flipping sun is always shining across my shoulder, making it hard to see and heating up the dang car, and glaring off everything. Hot, sticky, sweaty sunshine that you just can't get away from without paying a fortune for air conditioning (see the privilege here too!). I hate people who "love summer" but jump from air conditioned workplaces to air conditioned SUVs to air conditioned restaurants to air conditioned homes. -----I love when the sun is just a soft glow on the horizon, or later when the sky is black and that moon is so bright you can easily see your path. The soft moonlight through trees with stars too numerous to count. Whirling figures sketched across the night sky by lonely travelers with amazing names and stories passed down through the centuries to dance in the velvety darkness above you. THAT's a sky I can love.

4) Food. I have changed my mind about Velveeta. I think the steroids have helped calm down inflammation in my gut, so I have been experimenting a little about food. I am now trying to really listen to what I am craving and see if I can make sense of the underlying reason for a craving. There is a very real danger of salt cravings with steroids and I am totally getting that, but I keep trying to redirect that towards what I think is the root cause --- dehydration. Another interesting childhood dynamic was learning that my bathroom needs were not welcome, so from the beginning I was taught to minimize that stuff by avoiding drinking. That behavior was also modelled by my parents (Dad had migraines his whole adult life --- connection there???) so it wasn't like they were doing anything TO me that they weren't doing to themselves. I have changed my mind about drinking water, but making this decision happen in real life every day after every day has been a stupid, unnecessarily hard climb upwards, let me tell you.  I actually have a list of "one thing" to think about each day just because I'm that kind of nerd. Mondays, the only real standard I have is to try to hydrate as best I can. It has been a decently effective plan because I actually drink more water on average than ever before. And some days I have to really work hard to remember that idea because sometimes it just seems so silly to that dumb voice in my head who is so fear-based that everything is a potential danger, especially CHANGE!

I'm going to stop now.

Buying sock yarn, that is.  I have enough for... five? pairs and I won't buy any more until I'm about done with that.  And one set coming from the UK.  It cost less than the same brand in a shop here, even with mailing, and ended up costing me nothing because I had Discover Rewards I didn't know about until I was checking out on Amazon.  Pretty cool.  Although I'm such a ninny that I still wonder if I should have saved the Rewards for...something...else?  Better?  More decadent?
This is Cascade Yarn's Heritage Paint in color 9805 and it cost 18.00 at Never Enough Knitting in downtown Wheaton.  That place is always an experience!! (Sniff sniff sniff). I promised myself to make that the next place I go for yarn because I love their prices and I like to support brick-and-mortar yarn shops (when they deserve it!  Don't get me started on the goofy place in Glen Ellyn!)

Sock yarn

I've gotten hooked back onto knitting socks because of Claudia.  I realized that the key, for me anyway, is to KNIT socks.  No fancy laces or stitches or yarns, just plain old stockinette with fun yarn colors.  Knit, no purl (well almost none) and no yarn overs (well almost none) and I'm getting much faster.  My first sock fits so well!  I'm about 1/3 done with the mate and it should go a little quicker.
I got out of work early because my new bosses are actually NICE and so I drove to LaGrange to a nifty yarn store and bought just ONE SKEIN.       That part isn't true, I bought two skeins but ONLY two and I resisted the cool wood knitting needles she was handing me.  I'm sure I'll be back.  They had a lovely array of yarn---their website does not do the place justice.  And I stopped at one of my very favorite restaurants in Berwyn while I was out thatta way.  A good way two spend a gift hour!  A three hour outing that cost about 45 for the yarn and 16 for the dinner (including a very generous tip) with tons of good-to-reheat leftovers!  Yay!!!

Boom Crunch

There was no squeal at the beginning because I have anti-lock-brakes.  Well, I should probably use the past tense because I think my van is totaled.  It was used, nine-year-old model.  Still...  I never got a chance to camp in it (pout).  All this to explain why I have no news to report for today.  No spiritual news anyway.  On the plus side, I had not yet put new tires on the van (wan smile).

So much for a daily post!

It has been a rough two weeks.  Car accident and then a ton of stuff at work.  Capped by my son taking off for a few days on a little adventure with a friend.  Kept me far too busy to stick to my plan for this blog.  But one of the good things about getting older is coming to some peace with my limitations.  So I start again.
It is amazing to me how fast we adapt to new technology.  I don't know when this changed, but I have found it completely wonderful that two of my favorite radio stations now have instant-play websites.  I downloaded some software onto my desktop computer that acts as an alarm clock (as long as I put it into sleep mode rather than shut down) and one feature triggers a URL so now I can rise to With Heart and Voice at 6:00 on Sunday mornings and I don't have to fiddle with antennas or anything to get perfect reception.  Free software too, by the way.

No More Complaining!

In light of my decision to end complaining in my life, I would like to express some gratitude.
My son got home from Battle Drill about 2:30 this afternoon so we were able to spend some quality time together.  He even wore his ACLs so he got a "Thank you for your service!" shouted to him across a parking lot and a large french fries for free at the local eatery.  So I'm grateful to spend time with him. I'm grateful that people honored his service.  I'm grateful that he is doing stuff he can be proud of.
AND I GOT A PRESENT!  He bought me a nifty print version of The Princess Bride.  I'm grateful that he got me a gift. 
And I have three pieces of pie waiting for me in the fridge.  Well, two and a half, since I already ate part of the Honey Pie.  Not bad.  I don't love cornmeal in a pie.  I was very disappointed that they were already out of apricot pie, so I just ordered the next thing on the list.  I didn't think the Rocky Road would survive the rest of the trip.  I'm grateful for the lovely trip, listening to my son's mix cd.  I'm grateful that my $2k car is running like a champ!  I'm grateful that I could spend the day doing whatever I felt like.  I'm grateful to live in this free country and to have the cabbage necessary to buy not just what I need but some of what I want as well.
NOT COMPLAINT:  I wish my son would stop smoking!!!

Waiting in line

I don't know whether to feel like an idiot or to feel justified in making the long trip to the Bang Bang Pie Shop and finding I'm just one of many people who thought of that on this beautiful, warm spring Sunday morning.  And Mother's Day.  And my 50th birthday.  When my son has battle drill and even if he wasn't away for the week-end would probably still have done nothing for me anyway.  Am I feeling sorry for myself again?  YES!  Am I almost over it... yes?  I will be soon, I promise.  And doubt anyone came here because of my birthday (sorry for the poor grammar above)
And what number do they randomly give me for my order?  64!  How cool is that?  The year of my birth.  I wish it wasn't quite so long ago, but still.  And The Doors are playing, and I just heard them on a mix-cd my son made for me that I was playing on the way here.  Yes, he does love me.  He made me a 5-cd mix for my trips to MI a few weeks ago.  I'm finally getting a chance to hear the last one today.  One more stop at The Hoosier Mama Pie Shop and then I'm on my way back home.  Too bad they already ran out of apricot pie here.  That woulda been excellent I'm sure.  Instead I'm settling for a ham biscuit with ramps and dijon and a slice of honey pie with lavendar sea salt.  Poor me, right? :-)

Side effect

Another good sign-ink on my fingers!!

Creating... something

Setting aside thoughts of quality, I'm just happy to have created something-anything, really.  Last night and today, so far.  Whew!

From my new phone

Almost exactly like my old phone, but with no scratches on the screen and no problems (so far) with the computer.  The "n" key works funny on this new phone though... very annoying since I love this model because of the slideout keyboard for typing things.
AND now I have a newer version of Blogger.  Cool!

Whew!

I can't tell you how close I came to...
I mean REALLY close.  One hair's breadth away.
BUT I DIDN'T DO IT.  Today, anyway.  I'll worry about tomorrow then.

My new fur-friend, probably

I spent this past Saturday meeting some shelter dogs.  Nice, but not "the one" if you know what I mean.  Today I took a mental health day from work and thought I'd stop by the local Petco and see who they had.
Her name is Lila and she's likely a purebred Boxer.  She's eight years old and has probably been churning out puppies for some human the whole time.  She has the most winsome face!  Wisdom of the ages in those big, sad eyes.  With all she has been through, she has the sweetest disposition.  And holds "it" for up to 12 hours at a time at the shelter.
She is not mine yet.  I am fostering her until Saturday when she gets her last shot and her stitches come out.  She was fixed, but she also had two teats removed.  Her body is a bit of a mess.  Sores on elbows & knees and her neck from the collar.  Other teats are very pronounced and her back end protudes a bit.  I'm hopeful that they will contract over time.  She was surrendered in December, probably just after a litter.  Her fur is a bit of a mess too.  I can hardly wait to help her blossom into the beauty she was meant to be.  Too thin as well.
Two recently retired mothers keeping each other company.  I hate to think that she probably doesn't have many years left, but at least I can make them good.  She is calm, sweet, doesn't mind handling and seems to have no aggression toward men, women, dogs or cats. She is still curious and not particularly timid when frightened.  She even played with me for a little bit.  There is every reason to think she'll make a great companion and be able to visit nursing homes with me!

I ran

I should run more, but I just hate the treadmill and the gym, so I wait for a day or evening when I can get outside.  Today was pretty good.  My phone says 37 degrees and there was no wind.  I ran at the park next to my condo in the parking lot where they had plowed so the sun had made a non-slip surface for me.  Since I headed out of work at the right time instead of working late, I was able to get the run in before it got dark.  Probably ran about 1-1/2 mile which may not sound like much to you, but is pretty good for this old bag of bones.  Now I've got to get my liquid level back up and get some calories while I'm at it.  Beer anyone?

Such cute little stuffed... rats?

These rats were sold as a way to get your child to develop a greater love for nature.  Really?  Rats?  The photos don't really do them justice.  These are not cute little humanistic rats with happy smiles on their faces.  To be fair, they also don't have an evil red glint in their eyes either, but they are... rats.  And now I have a pair of my very own!

Bike rider extrodinaire

So I went for a nice bike ride last night.  The weather was still quite cool, so I wore winter gloves most of the time, but it was nice and sunny.  I tried to estimate how far I'd ridden-I hoped for at least seven miles, but was prepared to call it six or seven.
WELL-I had some time to kill while I was avoiding my teenager so I drove the route in my car and it was 10.4 miles!  Yeah me! 
It was also very encouraging that by the time I got back home from the ride, I wasn't dead tired. I'm not sure just how much more I could have ridden, but it was good nonetheless!  Of course my destination was closed, so I wasn't able to get a few things adjusted, nor was I able to purchase real riding gloves or a cyclometer, but maybe...Friday?  I think we have storms forecast for the next five days, though.

A little more light over here, please!

We have payments made for my company by Wells Fargo and whenever I see that name, it makes me sing the song, either in my head or out loud.  (I have a similar problem with Saginaw, thanks to Simon & Garfunkel.) I had explained this to the two women I work with recently, just so they'd know why I suddenly burst into that song every few days.  Well, it happened again this morning.  So then I commented that the song was from O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, but then corrected myself and said The Music Man.  And also sang little parts of some of the other songs from that show, although I couldn't remember the name of the song that Buddy Hackett sang in the film version (Shipoopi).  One of my Christian co-workers joked that I should try out for a musical.  A little later, on a whim, I Googled amateur theater in Illinois and came across open auditions for... The Music Man!  In about a month.  In the next town over (I could ride my bike!) Wow!  I couldn't believe it. 

As if that wasn't enough, a little later than that, I started to wonder about the theater company, and whether they might support a point-of-view that I don't ascribe to and, what do you think I found?  Bible verses.  They are a Christ-centered theater company!  What an amazing God!

Not now allergic to nuts or shellfish

I went to an allergist a little over a week ago to find out just what nuts and which shellfish I am allergic to.  Turns out that I am not currently allergic to either.  The last time I was tested was about 20 years ago.  At that time I was allergic to trees, which I am also not now allergic to either.  Now, don't even get me started on my current mold, grasses, cats, dogs and ragweed allergies.  So ever since he told me, I've been eating almonds and pecans like there is no tomorrow.  Gonna make some zucchini bread with walnuts, maybe even tonight.  Especially if the weather doesn't get better and I can't get out there on my bike...! 

The secret to a lasting "natural" home manicure

I swear by this stuff.  It is a thin coat of rubber that really makes your polish last longer.

Dansko Professional clogs

I was pretty hesitant about spending $125.00 for a pair of shoes (I'm just cheap that way, I guess) however--- THESE CLOGS ARE GREAT!  After a four-hour stint on my feet, my back and feet were fine.  I highly recommend them.

What does this look like to you?

At first glance, it appears to be a nifty old knitting machine and a red bag full of accessories and such.  When I look a little closer, however, the truth is revealed.  It is a handy-dandy excuse to put off working on my living room project.  I REFUSE THE HEAR THE SIREN'S CALL, however.  Like that ancient sailor I will lash myself to the mainsail and forge ahead on my chosen path. Once the carpet is down and the furniture puchased and the walls painted and the drapes hung, then--and ONLY then-- will I allow myself the pleasure of opening the latches and learning how to knit with a machine from 1961---see, it already lured me to look in the instruction manual!!!  (It was manufactured in Japan? How cool is that? I wonder if it's written with better English than the e-mails I get...)