Hey! I get it!

Words cut, actions harm, but silence kills.

Whew!

I can't tell you how close I came to...
I mean REALLY close.  One hair's breadth away.
BUT I DIDN'T DO IT.  Today, anyway.  I'll worry about tomorrow then.

The key verse

Matthew 6:33
But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

All things well

All the way my Savior leads me;
What have I to ask beside?
Can I doubt His tender mercy,
Who through life has been my guide?
Heav'nly peace, divinest comfort,
Here by faith in Him to dwell!
For I know whate'er befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well.

Take this job and...

It is difficult to describe just how messed up things are at my place of employment.  There has been a sort of re-organization at the higher level, due to the urgings of "The Street", so you know that the reasons for said re-org are well-reasoned and insightful.  This was announced via The Wall Street Journal about a year or more ago.  There has been VERY little internal communication about this change.  The sense amongst us underlings is that they really don't know what they're doing, so they don't tell us anything so that they can't be held responsible for the mess that might ensue.  And a mess is certainly ensuing.  Every single employee who pays any attention to what is going on around them is deeply concerned.  There are no real decisions being made, only semi-silly fluffy decisions that make it look like things are happening, but with no tangible result.  The underlying issue is that my little piece of the big company has been so poorly managed for the last few years, that we are in desperate need of some good, strong leadership with vision to give us some sense of direction.  Instead we are drifting even more purposelessly than before.  Makes for an incredibly frustrating work environment.  Even the strong people, who have been there forever, are starting to get that look in their eyes.  That beaten-down, how-much-more-can-I-take look.  Makes me want to cry.  Or throw up.  Or throw in the towel.  Hard to decide...

Plenty of fish

So, is this a good time to start dating?  Is this a horrible time to start?  I know God is in control and will make all things work for my good, but I'd sure like to avoid wasting a bunch of time and energy both for me and any potential dates.  And lies and heartache and...and...
Dan says I shouldn't think too much. I suppose he meant that in this particular context, but I'm sure it works as a blanket statement of sound advice for me!

Society

I like people, but mostly from afar.  I'm sitting at a restaurant, listening to the people around me. The guy telling a pretty unbelievable story about some woman. The two social types catching each other up over brunch. The mom and grandma with sunglasses, helping the toddler negotiate the walk, also in sunglasses. The woman dressed like a hippy getting dropped off at the restaurant next door---dress-up costume or everyday costume?

Time

Time is the comforting blanket that cloaks all our days, and the rug that we are constantly pulling out from under ourselves.
Nancy Peacock

Shredded

So is it God shredding me, or is it life?  I guess either way, He is allowing it, so there must be some good reason, some good purpose, some outcome that is in my best interest.  Then there's that pesky free will thing, where I can take it away from Him and turn it to any kind of s#*t I want.  But don't I have to willfully chose to disconnect from Him?  If I am just struggling with my life, struggling with my sin and trying to do right, doesn't that count?  Even if I fail, doesn't it count that I wasn't trying to go on my own, that I was trying to resist?  I guess that fact that I still struggle is a sign that I am still God's, because if not, I would have been happy to be free of the contstraint of the moral code and would be happily...sinning my heart out.

I really can't get past the idea the God is only truly glorified by men (and women) that are fully alive.  I think we tend to sedate ourselves into behaving carefully and avoiding the harder conflicts that arise from being fully engaged in the world.  I know I have been.  I was sequestered while raising my son.  Kept life at bay.  Now?  It seems that all hell has broken loose in my life, and I mean that pretty literally.

I feel a lot like the skin under your fingernails when you cut the nail too short.  Everything "feels" more, everything is amped up.  Pain is more painful and, well, I was gonna say that joy is more joyful, but I can't speak to that just now.  Pain is the overwhelming emotion I'm having right now.  Anguish even?  A dear sister's daughter just had a bad car accident and I am in pain because I hadn't kept close to my friend for the past few months.  I am tempted and keep giving in to it in little ways and it is anguish inside my body.  Pastor speaks, hymns are sung, and I am in pain because of my failures!