Shredded

So is it God shredding me, or is it life?  I guess either way, He is allowing it, so there must be some good reason, some good purpose, some outcome that is in my best interest.  Then there's that pesky free will thing, where I can take it away from Him and turn it to any kind of s#*t I want.  But don't I have to willfully chose to disconnect from Him?  If I am just struggling with my life, struggling with my sin and trying to do right, doesn't that count?  Even if I fail, doesn't it count that I wasn't trying to go on my own, that I was trying to resist?  I guess that fact that I still struggle is a sign that I am still God's, because if not, I would have been happy to be free of the contstraint of the moral code and would be happily...sinning my heart out.

I really can't get past the idea the God is only truly glorified by men (and women) that are fully alive.  I think we tend to sedate ourselves into behaving carefully and avoiding the harder conflicts that arise from being fully engaged in the world.  I know I have been.  I was sequestered while raising my son.  Kept life at bay.  Now?  It seems that all hell has broken loose in my life, and I mean that pretty literally.

I feel a lot like the skin under your fingernails when you cut the nail too short.  Everything "feels" more, everything is amped up.  Pain is more painful and, well, I was gonna say that joy is more joyful, but I can't speak to that just now.  Pain is the overwhelming emotion I'm having right now.  Anguish even?  A dear sister's daughter just had a bad car accident and I am in pain because I hadn't kept close to my friend for the past few months.  I am tempted and keep giving in to it in little ways and it is anguish inside my body.  Pastor speaks, hymns are sung, and I am in pain because of my failures!