1-1-15

I did a little knitting this evening, trying out some more knitted edgings.  I didn't love them and I didn't take any photos.  Actually, I did really like one of them, but it was too wide and really too complicated for the whole afghan. A beautiful leaf pattern over 18-21 stitches.  But I think I've settled on a crochet edge that I will do directly on the pieced piece.  Scallop.

1-1-15

I'm trying out a knitted edge for the grey grannies.  I don't think I love this one. Not enough to knit...like...five yards of the stuff.  It curls in on itself too much.  I know blocking would help, but this afghan is made to be thrown in the washer and dryer, and it would curl up again in no time.

1-1-14

Some of the steps for creating a snow-less globe.  Paperarium.  I can't come up with a good name.  I tried glitter on the bottom seam of the newest one.  Pink.

1-1-13 part 3

Mesh Arches edging.  This should work well with my next... terrarium? Paperium? Diorama? Up-side-down-glass-bowl project.

1-1-13 part 2

I've added crochet!

1-1-13

Well, this isn't crochet, but I'm getting it finished.  Something I've been fiddling with for months, off and on.  I had trouble with the technicalities of the components.  I wanted to use salt dough but waiting for it to air cure was taking too long and I didn't want to risk sealing it with uncured dough--mold!  I read it could be microwaved and that works great but the holes for the tree twigs move then.  Today I splurged and bought myself a Dremel.  Now I want to crochet a little trim for the bottom and my prototype will be done, finally!

1-1-12

Finished the blue cotton scarf.  It should not be machine dried, but I'm going to run it through the washer once anyway to get some stiffness out.

1-1-11

Forgot to post this last night.  I worked more on the blue cotton scarf. I should be able to finish it tonight, even.  As long as I don't make more silly mistakes.  You can see in the picture that I made one flower using a smaller crochet hook.  What a dork!

1-1-10

Today I made great headway on my own knit+crochet scarf in blue cotton.

Year 1 Month 1 Day 9

I finished another scarf yesterday and again forgot to take a photo.  What a dork!  But I started another scarf late last night after the eleven o'clock service, but fell asleep without posting it.  Here it is...

Year 1 Month 1 Day 8

Crocheted a "pearl" granny square and a "little flower bouquet"

Year 1 Month 1 Day 7

Well, I didn't get anything NEW created today, but I did run at the Rec Center and took a shower and voted for a new Worship pastor and...  I did more work on the blue scarf.  OH!--And made three Christmas gift bags.

Year 1 Month 1 Day 6

I also finished my friend's scarf, but it is already wrapped, so here's the other scarf I'm working on.

Year 1 Month 1 Day 5

Made good headway on the cotton scarf after work today.  And made it before midnight too!

Year 1 Month 1 Day 4

Vacation day again, so I've been very busy!  In addition to the following photographed items, I made Chocolate Mayonnaise cake and Eggnog Fudge.  Well, on to the crafts.  I made a one-skein scarf for a friend-all crocheted, in dark jewel tones.  I started knitting a brown/blue scarf in a cool leaf lace pattern.  I also started a cotton scarf for a very special friend.  Shades of light brown with desert rose hues, in a mixed knit and crochet pattern.  If it turns out good, I bought similar yarn for me in blues.

Lest you think I am slacking...

I have a vacation day and that's why I'm able to work and post before ten.  And here's where I am so far on the granny squares afghan in greys.

Year 1 Month 1 Day 3

I've moved on to double stitches. I'm never certain if I should crochet the whole stitch or just one side of the loop.  This book shows all three ways but calls the first one the basic stitch, so I guess I should crochet the whole stitch unless they say otherwise.

Year 1 Month 1 Day 2, from my phone, too

So I did crochet a few swatches yesterday.  I just didn't get them posted.  I didn't realize how long each episode of Sherlock (BBC) is and ran out of Tuesday rather suddenly.  I also had trouble getting nice shots of the work.  Sorry. Funny grey blobs with barely focused text.  Nice!

The office Grinch

Do you have a Grinch in your office? Someone who just has to tell other people that what they are doing is totally not OK?  Someone who rains on every parade they come across?  I can be a curmudgeon, but this person was a total Grinch.  Instead of giving me "friendly advice" about not doing those sorts of emails at work (and not giving me a chance to explain that I was trying to raise morale), she commanded me to stop several times.  So I did.  Until now.  But I've moved the communication stream from email to blog, so I can't be accused by the Grinch.  I won't give her the address and I figure no one else will either (she isn't very popular amongst the folks who will appreciate this blog!)

Day two, before the Grinch showed up

"Wow, she had an interesting evening!  She met some funny friends and played in a sandbox that is just their size!"

Late in day one

"OOOps!  She was enticed by the smell of my smoked almonds, but got a little too close!  I didn't think the raisin boxes were very stable steps, but I figured she was old enough to decide for herself.  She's all tidied up now, don't worry."

Still day one

I especially liked this email, because other folks at work had started to get into the spirit of the thing and made this for her.  (Morale was terribly low at the time and I thought we could use a pick-me-up)

"Someone has kindly made her a waterproof sleeping bag, in case the sprinklers go off, or if the plant watering person gets carried away.  Isn't it a pretty blue/green?"

Later that day

"This makes her happy and reminds her of the forests near her home, but she still won't tell me where that was :( "

Her second performance

Look at how big her eyes got!  She just caught sight of my candy dishes …

The event that started this all

May 26, 2012 this little girl showed up at my desk at work and MADE MY DAY.  I sent an email to local users thanking the mysterious giver.

Year 1 Month 1 Day 1

So can I still call you accountability partners if I don't fill you in on my plan?  Since you are greatly imaginary, I say... YES!

Well, ok.  My intention is to make something every day, perhaps for a year.  I get stressed rather easily with this sort of thing, so I'm trying to avoid having too many rules right away.  My first rule is that months start on the 16th and end of the 15th, because I'm an accountant in my day job and the end/beginning of a month is already horrible enough.

My second rule is more of a starting guideline.  I was thinking I would tackle a new craft form each month.  Which is kind of a guideline in reverse, because lately, since my job has become so hugely stressful, I've been starting new forms all the time and losing interest and refusing to feel guilty about not really mastering anything, etc. etc. etc.  So this may sound like too many forms, but for me to actually stick with one for a full month might be a stretch.

I was going to crochet.  I've crocheted off and on for many years, but never really tackled anything "real", always just playing around with edging something knitted, or doing little teacups or something.  I've been making granny squares for a few weeks, in shades of black and white and grey.  I got a used book with various patterns and I thought that, at a minimum, I could make some "sampler" squares.  Well, here it is, bedtime on the first day of the first month and I haven't done anything.  And then I stopped and thought about what I did do this evening (after working ten hours) and I made blondies and cookies for a party at work tomorrow.  While not crochet, it is something I made.  From scratch, even.  I'll post a better picture of the blondies tomorrow.

And these are Chocolate Comfort Cookies - YUMMMM!

I realize these are horrible pictures, but it's after my bedtime, folks!  And the dog needs to be walked and I still haven't showered and I don't know what my son is up to and...  goodnight.

Fleas and Pie

It has been about a year since I last went to the Flea Market.  I used to go pretty frequently with my mother about 18 years ago but as my dad's health declined, we went less.
Old junk and pie.  And maybe a frozen banana on a stick.  But the pie is surprisingly good.  I had a slice of peach with my sandwich (icky) and it was good.  Flakey crust, not underbaked, with nice, soft, tasty pieces of peach in a well-formed jell.  And now a piece of pecan pie in an appropriately different crust and, while this is a bit of an oxymoron, the filling is not too sweet.  The crust is holding up well under the filling.  Really good pie!  At the Kane county Flea Market!  Might be worth the price of admission just to come for the pie!  I look forward to trying the cherry and the apple.  Maybe next month?

Knowing God

What matters supremely, therefore, is not, in the last analysis, the fact that I know God, but the larger fact which underlies it--the fact that HE KNOWS ME. I am graven on the palms of his hands.  I am never out of his mind.  All my knowledge of him depends on his sustained initiative in knowing me.  I know him because he first knew me, and continues to know me.  He knows me as a friend, one who loves me; and there is no moment when his eye is off me, or his attention distracted from me, and no moment, therefore, when his care falters.
This is momentous knowledge.  There is unspeakable comfort--the sort of comfort that energizes, be it said, not enervates--in knowing that God is constantly taking knowledge of me in love and watching over me for my good.  There is tremendous relief in knowing that his love to me is utterly realistic, based at every point on prior knowledge of the worst about me, so that no discovery now can disillusion him about me, in the way I am so often disillusioned about myself, and quench his determination to bless me.
There is, certainly, great cause for humility in the thought that he sees all the twisted things about me that my fellow humans do not see (and am I glad!), and that he sees more corruption in me than that which I see in myself (which, in all conscience, is enough).  There is, however, equally great incentive to worship and love God in the thought that, for some unfathomable reason, he wants me as his friend, and desires to be my friend, and has given his Son to die for me in order to realize this purpose.
J I Packer

23 minutes and I coulda won

Since I "ran" it in 45 minutes, I was no where close.

Where does the time go???

He'll be home in 68 days.  He turned 19 today!  WHEN did that happen???
I bought myself some flowers to brighten up the place.  Which is no where near where I want it to be (clean-wise) for as close as him coming-home-date should suggest!

Low level anxiety

I stayed home from work today.  Something hit my sinuses late last week and the allergy meds hadn't really caught up until today.  The last two nights I slept very badly.  Today I tried to get a few things done, but mostly napped and then watched too much about the tornado in OK.  My son is training to become, most likely, a first responder.  Freaks me out a little some days because he is, you know, my little boy.  18, 6'3" but still my little baby.  A U.S. military trained soldier, but my kid.  The guy I had nightmares about leaving at daycare.  The bundle of joy that brought out my tiger when a bee first buzzed near him.  The only person who showed me what real love is.  Choosing a career that puts him in harm's way in order to save lives.

Tomorrow (and tomorrow and...)

Just when I thought I was getting a little ahead of anxiety, a night like this comes along and bites me you-know-where.  I got out of work at a decent hour and went to the grocery store on the way home to get some things to make into dessert for the regular Thursday night dinner.  Got home and took the dog for a semi-long walk in the warm spring evening.  Ate dinner and then felt ookie, so I laid down and took a twenty-minute nap.  Woke up when the phone rang and felt funny.  Ten-thirty now and I'm filled with anxiety about tomorrow.  They are letting a few people go.  I'm not privy to anything tangible, but they've been hinting about this for months and the clues are pretty strong that my work environment is going to change again tomorrow.  I've lived through this sort of thing before, but I have no confidence in this new management team and so my anxiety level is through the roof.  No good reason, really, just the general anxiety that comes from not knowing the future. And my usual sin of not trusting the Lord of the Universe.
Well, that is a little harsh.  I've got a lot of involuntary change in my life and it is really difficult to deal with it all, at the same time, as perfectly as I expect myself to.  The changes at work are deeper than just some co-workers being fired.  My job will be to make sure things run just as smoothly with three people as it did with five.  HAH!!!

Bad news and bad news

Fertilizer plant explodes, flooding in DuPage county, ricin suspect arrested, the bombs at the Boston Marathon.  Shall I list the famous people who have died in the last week or so?
I am riddled with fear and anxiety.  Help me, Lord.

Poof

I've been dabbling with the site Plenty of Fish.  Unlike Christian Mingle, it is actually free.  It is also just plain disheartening.  Picky guys all looking for something just a little better than me.  Or less religious.  Or prettier.  Or looser morals... or... or...
Disheartening.  Discouraging.  Depressing even?  I think I'm done dabbling.  If I was truly serious about finding someone, I'm sure it could work.  But I guess I don't really want a relationship because it still sounds like too dang much work and not really worth the effort.  All the drama and rigamarole and for what?  What do you get when you fall in love?  You only get lies and pain and sorrow.  So for at least until tomorrow, I'll never fall in love again.  I'm never gonna fall in love again.  (Child of the 70's, what can I say!  Thank you, dionne warwick for those words). From the musical Promises, Promises which was based on the play The Apartment which was a much better piece of work.

Where has my imagination gone?

Maybe that's my problem.  I've been spoon-fed plots via TV for so long that I don't have real imagination of my own left anymore.  Or am I just too old?  Parented so long that my imagination just dribbled away to nothingness?  Bored?  Distracted?  Dumb?  Unimaginative to begin with?  Scared?  Tired?  Weary?

From my new phone

Almost exactly like my old phone, but with no scratches on the screen and no problems (so far) with the computer.  The "n" key works funny on this new phone though... very annoying since I love this model because of the slideout keyboard for typing things.
AND now I have a newer version of Blogger.  Cool!

Trying to figure out what "normal" is

I like the show Chicago Fire.  Mostly.  It is SO predictable, most of the time.  Hate that, but the actors are likeable and there are great scenes of Chicago.  Tonight they were wandering around a salvage shop where I have actually been; it was cool.  There are good moments too, when they save people, and act a little like heros.

I wish I knew what I was doing with myself.  I like TV but I hate that I waste time watching it.  I want a new phone but my old one is still useful.  I don't know what I'm doing anymore.  I don't know that I DID know what I was doing before, but maybe I had so few choices that it was simple.  Now I have too many choices and I just don't know who I am or what I want to do with myself.  Poor me :(

Hey! I get it!

Words cut, actions harm, but silence kills.

Whew!

I can't tell you how close I came to...
I mean REALLY close.  One hair's breadth away.
BUT I DIDN'T DO IT.  Today, anyway.  I'll worry about tomorrow then.

The key verse

Matthew 6:33
But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

All things well

All the way my Savior leads me;
What have I to ask beside?
Can I doubt His tender mercy,
Who through life has been my guide?
Heav'nly peace, divinest comfort,
Here by faith in Him to dwell!
For I know whate'er befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well.

Take this job and...

It is difficult to describe just how messed up things are at my place of employment.  There has been a sort of re-organization at the higher level, due to the urgings of "The Street", so you know that the reasons for said re-org are well-reasoned and insightful.  This was announced via The Wall Street Journal about a year or more ago.  There has been VERY little internal communication about this change.  The sense amongst us underlings is that they really don't know what they're doing, so they don't tell us anything so that they can't be held responsible for the mess that might ensue.  And a mess is certainly ensuing.  Every single employee who pays any attention to what is going on around them is deeply concerned.  There are no real decisions being made, only semi-silly fluffy decisions that make it look like things are happening, but with no tangible result.  The underlying issue is that my little piece of the big company has been so poorly managed for the last few years, that we are in desperate need of some good, strong leadership with vision to give us some sense of direction.  Instead we are drifting even more purposelessly than before.  Makes for an incredibly frustrating work environment.  Even the strong people, who have been there forever, are starting to get that look in their eyes.  That beaten-down, how-much-more-can-I-take look.  Makes me want to cry.  Or throw up.  Or throw in the towel.  Hard to decide...

Plenty of fish

So, is this a good time to start dating?  Is this a horrible time to start?  I know God is in control and will make all things work for my good, but I'd sure like to avoid wasting a bunch of time and energy both for me and any potential dates.  And lies and heartache and...and...
Dan says I shouldn't think too much. I suppose he meant that in this particular context, but I'm sure it works as a blanket statement of sound advice for me!

Society

I like people, but mostly from afar.  I'm sitting at a restaurant, listening to the people around me. The guy telling a pretty unbelievable story about some woman. The two social types catching each other up over brunch. The mom and grandma with sunglasses, helping the toddler negotiate the walk, also in sunglasses. The woman dressed like a hippy getting dropped off at the restaurant next door---dress-up costume or everyday costume?

Time

Time is the comforting blanket that cloaks all our days, and the rug that we are constantly pulling out from under ourselves.
Nancy Peacock

Shredded

So is it God shredding me, or is it life?  I guess either way, He is allowing it, so there must be some good reason, some good purpose, some outcome that is in my best interest.  Then there's that pesky free will thing, where I can take it away from Him and turn it to any kind of s#*t I want.  But don't I have to willfully chose to disconnect from Him?  If I am just struggling with my life, struggling with my sin and trying to do right, doesn't that count?  Even if I fail, doesn't it count that I wasn't trying to go on my own, that I was trying to resist?  I guess that fact that I still struggle is a sign that I am still God's, because if not, I would have been happy to be free of the contstraint of the moral code and would be happily...sinning my heart out.

I really can't get past the idea the God is only truly glorified by men (and women) that are fully alive.  I think we tend to sedate ourselves into behaving carefully and avoiding the harder conflicts that arise from being fully engaged in the world.  I know I have been.  I was sequestered while raising my son.  Kept life at bay.  Now?  It seems that all hell has broken loose in my life, and I mean that pretty literally.

I feel a lot like the skin under your fingernails when you cut the nail too short.  Everything "feels" more, everything is amped up.  Pain is more painful and, well, I was gonna say that joy is more joyful, but I can't speak to that just now.  Pain is the overwhelming emotion I'm having right now.  Anguish even?  A dear sister's daughter just had a bad car accident and I am in pain because I hadn't kept close to my friend for the past few months.  I am tempted and keep giving in to it in little ways and it is anguish inside my body.  Pastor speaks, hymns are sung, and I am in pain because of my failures!

Update on the dog I did not adopt

It was a very difficult decision, but I decided not to adopt the Boxer.  Her one personality fault is stubbornness.  She is quite easy-going, but stores up that stubbornness for when she really needs it.  And she saved it for getting to spend the day in my living room.  Which I can totally understand; I like to spend time here myself.  However, after vising two vets in one day last week, she was found to be in false heat.  Not as uncommon as you might think.  The vet who SPAYED her said that internally she had been very swollen and quite a mess.  It would be no surprise for him to have left a small amount of ovarian material.  And this was likely causing her to go into heat.  They leave a small amount of uterus on the back side of the cervix to cover the space over, and this small amount of cervix can react to the small amount of ovary and, boom, she's in heat.  The thing is, she could be in heat for a day, a week, several weeks, or even months.  She was scared to go outside, probably because of this, and coupled with her insistence on staying in the living room meant that I was cleaning blood from everywhere!  Carpet, chair, couch, floor, bed, car seats, pillows, you name it.  That, in addition to her other issues meant that it was just more than I could handle.  I found out early Saturday morning just how heavy a 54-lb dog really is when she didn't want to go outside to go potty.  I'm not surprised that her neck is completely raw from people trying to yank her into submission.   At least I was able to provide her with a quiet place for a few days and a nice, bright pink halter instead of a neck collar.  (And a squeaky, un-stuffed chicken that she loved to carry around the house.) 

Kurt Vonnegut on writing fiction

1. Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.

2. Give the reader at least one character he or she can root for.

3. Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water.

4. Every sentence must do one of two things -- reveal character or advance the action.

5. Start as close to the end as possible.

6. Be a sadist. Now matter how sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them -- in order that the reader may see what they are made of.

7. Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.

8. Give your readers as much information as possible as soon as possible. To heck with suspense. Readers should have such complete understanding of what is going on, where and why, that they could finish the story themselves, should cockroaches eat the last few pages.

Not 100% certain

I am fostering an 8-year-old boxer.  She has a wonderful, calm personality.  A hint of playful and a touch of stubborn.  Needs some TLC. She had been a puppy factory and when they spayed her at the shelter's vet, he found a lemon-sized cyst.  He doesn't think it was cancer, but was pumping a ton of hormones into her system.  All of her reproductive organs were very swollen and what's left is still swollen.  Plus she's lost some fur around her neck and she needs to gain several pounds back.
All of this is pretty acceptable, but now she is spotting like she is in heat and the vet says it could go on for weeks.  I googled it and it is not that uncommon since even a small bit of ovarian material left in the body can create hormones and cause what's left of the uterus to "bleed". She has been acting housebroken and stubbornly insists on spending the day in the living room which I don't really mind, except, now, for the blood.  It's not puddles or anything, but still.  I've rinsed some out of my Flor tile pretty easily, but still.  It may end any minute, but still.  On the other hand, they are a no-kill shelter, but still.
I've also been doing some research on pet insurance and still have no clear idea if I should bother to.  Assuming I adopt her tomorrow, how much do I want to spend to insure her without knowing if they will even cover what problems are likely to arise?  If I don't get the insurance, how much will I end up spending on a dear, sweet, old dog because I won't be able to let her go easily?  Boxers have gum issues ($1,500 a treatment) and are prone to cancers.  The good news is that she shows no sign of hip trouble and she now has less places to get cancer (they took off two teats too). It's been three days and she already "sits" and seems to be heeling most of the time when walking.  Obedience training a million years ago???  And did I mention that she is the sweetest dog ever?  Not timid, not aggressive, just as friendly as can be!  Likes men, women, kids, dogs, cats...  a really wonderful companion.  Except for the bleeding and the "tumor factory" thing (that's how my vet put it!)
This whole thing has been a great distraction.  I can almost forget that work is stressful, my son has joined the military and Satan prowls with his bag of tricks.

My new fur-friend, probably

I spent this past Saturday meeting some shelter dogs.  Nice, but not "the one" if you know what I mean.  Today I took a mental health day from work and thought I'd stop by the local Petco and see who they had.
Her name is Lila and she's likely a purebred Boxer.  She's eight years old and has probably been churning out puppies for some human the whole time.  She has the most winsome face!  Wisdom of the ages in those big, sad eyes.  With all she has been through, she has the sweetest disposition.  And holds "it" for up to 12 hours at a time at the shelter.
She is not mine yet.  I am fostering her until Saturday when she gets her last shot and her stitches come out.  She was fixed, but she also had two teats removed.  Her body is a bit of a mess.  Sores on elbows & knees and her neck from the collar.  Other teats are very pronounced and her back end protudes a bit.  I'm hopeful that they will contract over time.  She was surrendered in December, probably just after a litter.  Her fur is a bit of a mess too.  I can hardly wait to help her blossom into the beauty she was meant to be.  Too thin as well.
Two recently retired mothers keeping each other company.  I hate to think that she probably doesn't have many years left, but at least I can make them good.  She is calm, sweet, doesn't mind handling and seems to have no aggression toward men, women, dogs or cats. She is still curious and not particularly timid when frightened.  She even played with me for a little bit.  There is every reason to think she'll make a great companion and be able to visit nursing homes with me!

The island of misfit toys

I think I had been playing the role of mom for so long that I forgot I was a person, a woman, and forgot that I'm really just another broken toy.

The glory of God is man fully alive

Here I am, still in the furnace.  I have not gotten better and that's all I ever focus on.  I forget that I did not get worse.  Sometimes that is all I can expect.
Grace is God drawing us sinners closer and closer to himself.  So instead of shielding us from assault by the world, the flesh and the devil, he exposes us to these things so as to overwhelm us with a sense of our own inadequacy, and to drive us to cling to him more closely. (from J.I.Packer)
He will not give us more than we can bear 1Cor10:13 but equally not less Acts14:22   Additionally, the bible is full of stories of failures who get turned around and go on to glorify God.

Turned a corner?

I pray that I have turned a corner in this mess.  I managed to avoid doing one tiny, eeny-weeny little thing and it actually gave me a hit of strength.  That's probably too strong of a word (pun intended) but I'm a drowning girl grabbing at anything I can reach.

I ran

I should run more, but I just hate the treadmill and the gym, so I wait for a day or evening when I can get outside.  Today was pretty good.  My phone says 37 degrees and there was no wind.  I ran at the park next to my condo in the parking lot where they had plowed so the sun had made a non-slip surface for me.  Since I headed out of work at the right time instead of working late, I was able to get the run in before it got dark.  Probably ran about 1-1/2 mile which may not sound like much to you, but is pretty good for this old bag of bones.  Now I've got to get my liquid level back up and get some calories while I'm at it.  Beer anyone?

It's God's Word, stop playing around!

Not the title of today's sermon but could have been.  Today was communion Sunday and we've gone back to having the choir stay, so I got to hear it three times.  I also took communion thrice.  For those who are unfamiliar with my church, we are non-denominational, evangelical.  I've heard that Catholics must be in good standing with the Church in order to take communion.  They also have a tendency towards earning the right to salvation.
The passage being preached was Matthew 5:17-20.  Pastor was relating the story of verbal sparring with a good friend and fellow student about parts of the Bible and after a while, he'd simply told his friend that "It's God's Word.  Stop playing around."  A little like the rule-keepers who think they're getting down into the finer points of the rules, but are missing the bigger picture.  The most consistent message from God is "be obedient".  In order to be that, there are lots of other steps and rules and instructions and what not, but in the end, after all the talking and negotiating and wrangling, stop playing around.  Go directly to The Source and do what it tells you to do.
I was born again and have my sins covered wholly by the work of Christ.  There is nothing special about me and not one thing I could possibly do to earn my salvation.  God sent His Son to pay my penalties.  I know that with all my soul.  I took communion (three times) because of that and that alone.  We all sin and fall short.  I didn't used to really believe that as thoroughly as I do now that I am in the throes of temptation.
I can do all things, and can only accomplish anything, through Christ who strengthens me.  Today's anthem:
I could not do without Thee, o Savior of the lost, whose wondrous love redeemed me at such enormous cost. Thy righteousness, Thy pardon, Thy precious blood must be, my only hope and comfort, my glory and my plea.
I could not do without Thee, for, oh, the way is long, and I am often weary and sigh replaces song; Oh, how could I do without Thee? I do not know the way; Thou knowest, and Thou leadest, and wilt not let me stray.
Oh, how could I do without Thee? I do not know the way; Thou knowest and Thou leadest--I follow all the way.
by Frances Havergal and our setting was by Maxine Posegate.  I haven't found it on YouTube and may have to add it myself.  It certainly deserves a place!

Breaks my heart

So as we were finishing up at the 72-hour meeting with the recruiter, my son asked a question.  He told Sgt that he really wants a dog and would get one as soon as AIT was over, but if he got deployed, what would happen to the dog. Sgt and I sort of looked at each other and I quipped that I'd have myself a new dog.
IT BREAKS MY HEART every time I think about what he said.  Mostly because it was such an innocent question.  It breaks my heart to think that my son is so unprepared for how hard and ridiculously painful life is going to be sometimes.  I just want to drag him home amd lock him up and keep him safe and sound.  I don't want him to have to find things out the hard way like I did.  I don't want him to realize things afterwards. I don't want him to get his heart broken. I don't want his trust to be misplaced. I don't want him to despair. I want him to finish strong and upright, not get twisted and have to find ways to cope.
Father, I know you love him even more than me.  Take better care of him than I could.  Help me feel that way

A cold, dark stone

I was recently talking with a treasured sister.  She revealed a little of her recent challenge, which I had been unaware of until that conversation.  Broke my heart for her a little.
I have been going through some stuff and talking with her made me feel better.  Partly because it's nice to feel less alone.  Partly because I have always looked to her as a great example of how to live in The Way and while it feels very contrary and selfish, it is reassuring to think that we are ALL challenged by temptations of one kind or another.  Mostly, she was (as always) full of Truth and encouragement.
We cannot trust our feelings.  While it is foolish and dangerous to ignore our feelings completely, they are no good guide for how to live or what to do.  We are called to put aside our fleshly, worldly desires and focus on the things of God.  Called to follow his Word and his Way which is not the way of the world.  No easy task that, some days anyway.  It might even be said that if you're having an "easy" day, then you aren't really paying attention?
I really don't know why God bothers with me.  How He can love me when I spend so much time lately trying to justify my behavior.  I've been so incredibly selfish.  I am so full of pain and empty of joy lately that I have been falling on old habits to try to drive that ratio to what I think is should be, instead of trusting the Spirit to do what He promises, to complete His good work in me.
What did that dear sister say?  What hopeful thing can I find to hold on to through these moments?  What does God say for moments like this?  Come to me, all you who are heavy laden, for my yoke is easy and my burden is light.  Do you know that a yoke is a two-person item and that when you take up that yoke, the Son of the Most High is the guy on the other part?  It can be SO HARD to remember that sometimes, but He really is right there, every moment of every day; crying right now with me.  What father when asked for bread would give his child a stone?
Without the sun, the moon is a cold, dark stone.  Without the son, I am cold and dark---everywhere You are is warmth and light

Gravel

God breaks us up so we can be more useful to Him, I think.  Why does He allow His children to suffer? Ask Joni Tada.  I now know lonely in a whole new way, to a whole new depth.  How can that breaking of my heart be a good thing?  How can God explain how He lets me break this badly? 
First, He does it so that I will stop looking to either myself or to other people to "fix" me or to take my pain away for me.  No one can do that.  No human can anyway (just look at the divorce rate, even among evangelicals)
More importantly, He breaks us up to make us more useful to Him.  My despair and brokenness and loneliness can either turn me into a bitter old maid or, through His strength and guidance, make me a very compassionate tool to bridge the gap for other people who find the "shiny, happy" church a little too sterile and too pleasant to bear.  I love my church, but they can be an unsurmountable wall of suburban bliss to a broken outsider.  I cry to think of how we/I failed Linda C. for example.  She was searching for God and since we couldn't speak her language, she moved on to a sect that tends to move people away from the Truth and the Life.  I pray I will meet her in Heaven one day so I can apologize to her for failing her.  But I must trust God to work out His plan regardless of me and what I see as my failings.  He promises to work out all things for good.  I just have to trust Him on that.  (Easier said than done for me, I'm afraid!)