Breakfast Quinoa with fruit

 Presoaking quinoa seems like it's a good idea for digestive reasons, but I dislike having too much fuss in an everyday recipe. I was looking through Thrive Magazine Vol. 37 and saw two things that sparked the following jam. I also like that the fruit gets cooked, easier on the gut when things are no fun in there, and since I should eat the skins, they get cooked a bit too. I tried cooking the grains in 100% coconut milk and while it was good and very porridge-like, I found it to be too much oil. Perhaps half almond, half coconut would be a nice choice sometimes?

Put 1/4 cup white quinoa into a fine strainer, rinse the quinoa for a few moments, then set the strainer into the small cooking pot and let the grains soak while you...

Cut up a small apple/peach/pear, whatever. Drop into a small non-stick frying pan with a nice little pat of butter. After a moment sprinkle a bit of cinnamon/cardamom/clove/nutmeg and a slight drizzle of maple/molasses/honey. Let that stew just a few moments, then set aside to...

Drain the grains, add 1/2 cup almond milk, add a small pinch of salt and put onto the heat. Turn it up real high, stirring and watching it get up to a simmer-ish thing. Pop on the lid, drop the heat to a really low setting, set a timer for 8 minutes and when it goes off, stir the grains to get all the stuff that climbed the sides back into the mix. 

I tend to just eat from the pot because less dishes, but I have been working harder to try to do my esthetic sense a favor and put the grains into a pretty bowl and drop the fruit on top like a civilized person.

Changing my mind

 I have recently become some kind of expert at changing my mind. This is HUGE, by the way. If you didn't know, I consider myself to be an Adult Child of Alcoholism & Family Dysfunction. ACA has been a really big part of my inner life since just before Covid and is largely responsible for helping me achieve whatever level of emotional sobriety I am currently enjoying. I love to tell people who are interested all about it, so feel free to ask.

So, back to changing my mind. Part of my childhood was learning black-and-white thinking, and catastrophizing and being just generally afraid of life, so best coping skills were denial of emotions and sticking to decisions like life-rafts even if they weren't working out so well. Not really the best way to go through life, not if you want to actually enjoy much anyway!

1) I have added a new food group to my life, called hand cream. Part of my treatment is lots of steroids and it has made my skin altogether different so now I slather my hands with ceramide cream every single chance I get. Old way of thinking was to not waste the stuff  and just use "enough" and not get it all over clothes which would necessitate extra laundry which is not good...you get the drift. I have changed my mind about this. I'm going to use lots of the stuff and not really worry if I get a little on my toothbrush or a bit ends up on my sleeve or gathers in a drop of water that rolls down my hand into my drinking water.

2) I don't want to go to sleep right now. Old way of thinking would insist that I keep trying to sleep because everybody needs eight hours (I certainly function BEST that way!) and not sleeping brings on a host of health issues and... you get the drift. I have changed my mind about this. For now (because I can change my mind again about this later), I just don't wanna go to sleep. I'm not trying to actively avoid sleep, but I am not going to chase it around. I am EXCEPTIONALLY privileged to be able to keep my job and have flexible bosses. I also live alone so I don't even need to worry about disturbing a partner with my odd hours. Heck, there's a little girl running around upstairs at all hours by herself (even as I type) to sort-of keep me company.

3) I hate the sunshine. I know we are supposed to practically worship summer and healthy tans and beaches and bright sunny days in the mid-winter... I hate sunshine. This is not actually something I have changed my mind about, but I have changed my mind about keeping it to myself. I detest driving on certain days where it seems the flipping sun is always shining across my shoulder, making it hard to see and heating up the dang car, and glaring off everything. Hot, sticky, sweaty sunshine that you just can't get away from without paying a fortune for air conditioning (see the privilege here too!). I hate people who "love summer" but jump from air conditioned workplaces to air conditioned SUVs to air conditioned restaurants to air conditioned homes. -----I love when the sun is just a soft glow on the horizon, or later when the sky is black and that moon is so bright you can easily see your path. The soft moonlight through trees with stars too numerous to count. Whirling figures sketched across the night sky by lonely travelers with amazing names and stories passed down through the centuries to dance in the velvety darkness above you. THAT's a sky I can love.

4) Food. I have changed my mind about Velveeta. I think the steroids have helped calm down inflammation in my gut, so I have been experimenting a little about food. I am now trying to really listen to what I am craving and see if I can make sense of the underlying reason for a craving. There is a very real danger of salt cravings with steroids and I am totally getting that, but I keep trying to redirect that towards what I think is the root cause --- dehydration. Another interesting childhood dynamic was learning that my bathroom needs were not welcome, so from the beginning I was taught to minimize that stuff by avoiding drinking. That behavior was also modelled by my parents (Dad had migraines his whole adult life --- connection there???) so it wasn't like they were doing anything TO me that they weren't doing to themselves. I have changed my mind about drinking water, but making this decision happen in real life every day after every day has been a stupid, unnecessarily hard climb upwards, let me tell you.  I actually have a list of "one thing" to think about each day just because I'm that kind of nerd. Mondays, the only real standard I have is to try to hydrate as best I can. It has been a decently effective plan because I actually drink more water on average than ever before. And some days I have to really work hard to remember that idea because sometimes it just seems so silly to that dumb voice in my head who is so fear-based that everything is a potential danger, especially CHANGE!

Autoimmune Disease #4

 March is autoimmune disease awareness month.

Just in time, my body decided to do a cool new thing. 

In healthy folks, your red blood cells hang around your body for about 120 days. At the end of that time, your immune system paints the old cells with a little tag, and when your spleen sees that marker, destroys the cells. My immune system, heretofore called Dolores Umbridge, decided at some point in Jan?/Feb? to start painting every single red blood cell with that trash marker as fast as her greedy little hands could move.

The good news? Every other part of my body was doing it's absolute best to keep up with this ridiculous situation. Marrow has been making new cells as fast as possible. All other markers in my blood show good news. No evidence of cancer, etc.

Also amazing news? The medical system I have access to REALLY caught me. I had been part of a different group until late 2019, then I decided to switch to Northwestern Medicine. My feeling with the old group was that every conversation was a new thing, that no one was really treating me like a whole person. I had one appointment with a dermatologist that went so badly, I burst into tears. He was prepared to give me seven or eight seconds of time before completely dismissing me. It was demeaning.

Change to Northwestern Medicine. WOW. I love the internal medicine doctor I have (now called Dr. Coach), but in this particular situation, it was the whole team that SAVED MY LIFE.  I had been feeling crummy for a few months for a probably-unrelated medicine reason, not to mention it being winter and Covid and so on. But things were just slowly getting worse. Physically I was feeling so exhausted and achy and just plain awful. One day at work, a coworker decided to tell me that they thought I looked a little yellow. I thanked them, and over the next day or so, kept pondering that. Dr Coach is great, so great that seeing him can take a while. But then I decided that since I could schedule a video call That Morning with his associate, I went ahead and pulled the trigger. I had seen Dr. A before and and she had been exactly right both times, so within two hours of me deciding to do this, I had a genuine doctor suggesting to me that I take a break from work to go get a few blood tests drawn. Easy peasy, right by my house. And I could have found something right near work if I hadn't been okay with driving nine whole miles to go to the place I was already familiar with.

9:00 PM that night, Dr A called to let me know that I was going to be scheduled to see a specialist for the first thing the next morning. She was calm and reassuring, explained as much as she could and answered whatever questions I had, but also made it clear that this was a situation that needed all due haste. The next morning I got a call from another amazing human being who explained things well and took the time to make sure I was clear on what I needed to do. She even warned me that the building where my new Dr F works says "Cancer Center" on it but not to worry, Dr F is a oncologist as well as a hematologist. THANK YOU! for that warning! I can imagine getting plenty freaked to see that sign without fair notice.

Since then (less than three weeks?!?) I have had blood drawn right before each appointment and within TWELVE MINUTES! the doctor is looking at the real results, able to see how my body is really doing. Blow my mind, that. First, it is just so cool that they can do that. So easy to take for granted that I'm not sitting around places waiting for results - that would be anxiety inducing for certain.  On the other hand, it is also an indication of just how bad things are that they have me at the top of that list. GoOd HaNds!!

Two phrases used, both meaning the same thing:

PRIMARY AUTOMIMMUNE HEMOLYTIC ANEMIA
ACQUIRED AUTOIMMUNE HEMOLYTIC ANEMIA

I am currently on a very high dose of Prednisone to try and bash Dolores back into compliance. Numbers from last week show that it is working, although not super-well. Tomorrow we check again and see if this is good enough or decide to pull out a much bigger, more targeted gun. I am torn both ways, but feel strongly that Dr F will make the trustworthy call.  I have also been in touch with Dr Coach and he encouraged me to treat this like a sprint, to not get side-tracked and also gave me numbers for two "real" therapists to help.

I feel strangely good. All of my arthritis aches and pains have faded. I am eating quite well (ROTISSERIE CHICKEN at every meal for this life-long vegetarian?!?). I am working hard to keep my mind from getting all mixed up and catastrophizing. I have also been on a journey with the group Adult Children of Alcoholic and Dysfunction for the last four years (Dec 3, 2018 is my emotional sobriety birthday) and that has been an unbelievably important piece of how I have been able to process this mess as well as I am. I also turned off my alarm clock both physically and metaphorically when this started, and am able to just go with the flow for the most part. My employers have been wonderful and supportive and I am very grateful for that whole situation. I'm even a little grateful to Covid for letting so many people be aware of how germs can be so extra-dangerous for people with compromised immune systems - curbside pickup, contactless purchasing, just plain Not Staring at People In Masks?!?!? This is going to be a part of my life for a while because not matter how we get there, Dolores will not be back to full strength for a whole so now I have to treat myself like a fragile little flower.

Delicate flower. Me. HA! Well, true for now. And I'm taking that very seriously. I'll have lots of posts about that coming, I am sure. I love to share info I learn or test or prove for myself. And now it's time for me to put that dead chicken into a crock pot for the day and go get its fresh replacement. I may even put in a full day of work while I'm at it!!