Changing my mind

 I have recently become some kind of expert at changing my mind. This is HUGE, by the way. If you didn't know, I consider myself to be an Adult Child of Alcoholism & Family Dysfunction. ACA has been a really big part of my inner life since just before Covid and is largely responsible for helping me achieve whatever level of emotional sobriety I am currently enjoying. I love to tell people who are interested all about it, so feel free to ask.

So, back to changing my mind. Part of my childhood was learning black-and-white thinking, and catastrophizing and being just generally afraid of life, so best coping skills were denial of emotions and sticking to decisions like life-rafts even if they weren't working out so well. Not really the best way to go through life, not if you want to actually enjoy much anyway!

1) I have added a new food group to my life, called hand cream. Part of my treatment is lots of steroids and it has made my skin altogether different so now I slather my hands with ceramide cream every single chance I get. Old way of thinking was to not waste the stuff  and just use "enough" and not get it all over clothes which would necessitate extra laundry which is not good...you get the drift. I have changed my mind about this. I'm going to use lots of the stuff and not really worry if I get a little on my toothbrush or a bit ends up on my sleeve or gathers in a drop of water that rolls down my hand into my drinking water.

2) I don't want to go to sleep right now. Old way of thinking would insist that I keep trying to sleep because everybody needs eight hours (I certainly function BEST that way!) and not sleeping brings on a host of health issues and... you get the drift. I have changed my mind about this. For now (because I can change my mind again about this later), I just don't wanna go to sleep. I'm not trying to actively avoid sleep, but I am not going to chase it around. I am EXCEPTIONALLY privileged to be able to keep my job and have flexible bosses. I also live alone so I don't even need to worry about disturbing a partner with my odd hours. Heck, there's a little girl running around upstairs at all hours by herself (even as I type) to sort-of keep me company.

3) I hate the sunshine. I know we are supposed to practically worship summer and healthy tans and beaches and bright sunny days in the mid-winter... I hate sunshine. This is not actually something I have changed my mind about, but I have changed my mind about keeping it to myself. I detest driving on certain days where it seems the flipping sun is always shining across my shoulder, making it hard to see and heating up the dang car, and glaring off everything. Hot, sticky, sweaty sunshine that you just can't get away from without paying a fortune for air conditioning (see the privilege here too!). I hate people who "love summer" but jump from air conditioned workplaces to air conditioned SUVs to air conditioned restaurants to air conditioned homes. -----I love when the sun is just a soft glow on the horizon, or later when the sky is black and that moon is so bright you can easily see your path. The soft moonlight through trees with stars too numerous to count. Whirling figures sketched across the night sky by lonely travelers with amazing names and stories passed down through the centuries to dance in the velvety darkness above you. THAT's a sky I can love.

4) Food. I have changed my mind about Velveeta. I think the steroids have helped calm down inflammation in my gut, so I have been experimenting a little about food. I am now trying to really listen to what I am craving and see if I can make sense of the underlying reason for a craving. There is a very real danger of salt cravings with steroids and I am totally getting that, but I keep trying to redirect that towards what I think is the root cause --- dehydration. Another interesting childhood dynamic was learning that my bathroom needs were not welcome, so from the beginning I was taught to minimize that stuff by avoiding drinking. That behavior was also modelled by my parents (Dad had migraines his whole adult life --- connection there???) so it wasn't like they were doing anything TO me that they weren't doing to themselves. I have changed my mind about drinking water, but making this decision happen in real life every day after every day has been a stupid, unnecessarily hard climb upwards, let me tell you.  I actually have a list of "one thing" to think about each day just because I'm that kind of nerd. Mondays, the only real standard I have is to try to hydrate as best I can. It has been a decently effective plan because I actually drink more water on average than ever before. And some days I have to really work hard to remember that idea because sometimes it just seems so silly to that dumb voice in my head who is so fear-based that everything is a potential danger, especially CHANGE!